WEEKEND TO HELL

In October, as I prepared for a huge houseboat party for forty guests, a FALL FOLIAGE CRUISE ON LAKE LANIER, my husband, LJB, committed so many grievances  that I decided he was going to ride a HEAT SEEKING MISSILE TO HELL.

STRIKE 1 

THURSDAY before the party, I spent the entire day cooking two types of gumbo and the chicken, sausage, and a trinity of vegetables for jambalaya. I had an appointment at 1:00 p.m., so I ran upstairs to get dressed.

I heard the oven buzzer go off, so I ran downstairs into the kitchen barely clothed in my underwear to remove the food from the oven. As I lifted the baking pan, I caught a glimpse of a man peering into my kitchen windows which look out up the mountain so no curtains obstruct the view.

I jerked and the pan seared my abdomen in two places. I dropped the food and ran upstairs to call LJB who calmly told me that he was having a security system installed at our home. Why that issue was not a subject of discussion beforehand was my question.

STRIKE 2 DAY BEFORE PARTY

SATURDAY morning at the boat, as we awakened, we stepped on the bedroom carpet, and our feet squished as the carpet was soaked with water. Larry called our friend Ray, a technology executive, a nautical expert, and an amazing fix it man. They removed the bedroom floor entry which is the size of a door, so they could descend into the hull. As they discussed, negotiated, and engaged in extemporaneous talk about sports and the new Coors Light packaging, I cleaned the guest bath with wet wipes, as they had turned off the water.

I noticed a leak in the shower, so I yelled into the hull so they would hear me. They emerged and continued to talk as they dismantled the shower.

I had to finish cleaning the boat because a former student and her boyfriend were coming to spend the afternoon with us to watch the GA game.
     I carried folded laundry to the master bath, and forgetting about the opened hull door, I fell five feet into the hull. My back and right ankle slammed against the door opening, and my head hit the bottom of the hull. I breathed deeply and decided I was still alive, so I mustered the strength to crawl out and lie on the bed.

  Ray walked into the bedroom and asked if he was disturbing my nap. After unleashing a torrent of expletives against him for failing to shut the hull door, he ran away to find Larry, who was reluctant to talk with me. When he asked me if I was okay, I stared daggers, so he knew it was best to discuss this matter at a more feasible time.

Since I planned to drive the 10 hour trip to LA to see AMD on Monday, I knew if I saw a doctor, they would probably advise me to postpone my trip. I had to expunge my anger and test my physical fortitude, so I went shopping. Next to a woman’s clothing store, I visited a male pharmacist and asked him to look at my back. I lifted my shirt in full view of other customers and my glare dared them to speak.

  The pharmacist told me I had a laceration and contusions and advised me to soak in Epsom Salts, apply a topical ointment to heal the bruising, and to take Aleve. I inquired about a potion of hemlock for LJB, but the pharmacist said he was fresh out.

I returned to the clothing store, then to a furniture store to purchase pricey items. Then I drove back to the boat to wait for our afternoon guests.

Strike 3 SUNDAY FALL FOLIAGE CRUISE

Guests arrived at noon. As I prepared last minute appetizers in the kitchen, I asked several guys to take the huge pot of gumbo to the top deck and to ask LJB to secure it.

     A few minutes later, an ashen-faced male guest came to get me in the kitchen. As soon as he said, Do not be upset, I ran upstairs to see male guests hosing my gumbo off the deck. As I screamed WHAT HAPPENED, several women guests said that someone had placed the heavy pot of gumbo on a side shelf of the barbeque grill and the shelf broke. All the men scattered, and all I said to LJB, was STRIKE THREE.

Despite the eventful circumstances that weekend, everyone had a wonderful time. The HOT DAMNS and the Jaeger probably softened the blows a bit. Eventually, at 10:00 p.m. LJB and two of his friends fell out of their high barstools on the top deck, but as they were feeling no pain, the night ended well.

I drove out of the marina at 6:00 a.m. the next morning to drive to LA.