HOUSEBOATERS are a rare breed. They play
in water communities, live for the sunny weekends, and bond with other water
lovers.
My husband and I joined the boating
community at a nearby lake six years ago when we purchased an 80 foot,
double-decker, Sumerset houseboat. We live there on weekends and weekday
holidays. We soon realized that like small towns, boat owners bond with each
other on docks in marinas. Personalities, lifestyles, peculiarities, and
idiosyncrasies become apparent very quickly.
We also purchased a pontoon boat
for trips to restaurants, water parks, and short excursions. We soon noticed clever
boat names painted on houseboats, cruisers, cigarette boats, and sailboats that
seemed to reflect the owner’s occupation, wish, situation, or sense of humor. GOT
DEBT, WESPENTIT, BROTHERS-IN-LOSS, MOM’S MINK, and MOMAS PIST are huge
ocean-going cruisers. SEA YA is always out on the lake. SIR OSSIS OF THE RIVER and
SHIP-FACED are very drunk friends. SHIP FOR BRAINS hopefully is not a brain
surgeon. HELL FROZE OVER is what he told
his wife when he bought that boat. HER HARLEY and GAS HAUG are very fast and
very long, gas guzzler cigarette boats. THE OTHER WOMAN, WETTED BLISS, MISSED
STRESS, WET DREAM, WET SPOT, and EAT, DRINK, AND RE-MARRY are self-explanatory.
The cruiser facing our houseboat is
named NA DEUS. I told my husband that these people were probably atheists. I thought,
“Is this a Latin name?” translation: God
not available. I was too polite to ask. Sue and Dan introduced themselves,
and I realized that their boat name was Sue Dan spelled backwards.
The GUMBALL cannot ever be used as
a getaway boat for anyone fleeing authorities. A huge picture of a gumball
machine surrounded by colorful gumballs decorates both sides of this unique
houseboat. A large gumball machine stands in the middle of the den, and the
walls are speckled with colored gumballs. A decorator’s nightmare….
Good friends of ours knew the owners, so we were
able to step inside the largest houseboat in the world; a three-story 100 foot
behemoth featured on the television show HOUSEBOATERS. The bottom deck features
a huge media room the size of a movie theater. Every seat is a recliner
lounger. Showcases of Lalique and Baccarat line the walls of the formal banquet
room. A statue of Marilyn Monroe in an erotic pose reflects in the mirrored
walls and ceiling in the master bedroom. The red themed décor in the den
screams boudoir. A sheik now owns this wonder of the water. Its former owner
lives in a very tiny jail cell, the result of his lack of judgment in offering an
illegal substance to an incognito DEA “party” guest.
A wealthy antiques dealer in
Atlanta has a 46 foot Rough Rider XP cigarette boat that faces our houseboat. He
owns 120 vessels at marinas all over the world. His appearances at the dock
merit much attention when he races into the parking lot driving a BMW
convertible, Mercedes, Aston Martin, or a Bentley. Escorting scantily clad
women wearing clanky jewelry, stilettos, and painted faces, he inspires our
husbands to hose, wipe, shine, or congregate outside their boats.
Like homes in a subdivision, boat
owners come and go. Because of the declining economy, For Sale signs are posted
on boats more frequently these days. Consequently, we have met countless
couples and singles who coffee klatch with us in the mornings, beach out on
islands in the vast lake, pile into pontoons or cruisers to dine at lakeside
restaurants, or host weekend dinner parties.
When I told my dad that we were thinking
about buying a boat, he said, “My advice? Stand in the shower and tear up $100
dollar bills.” He was correct. Boating
is an expensive hobby, but the adventure is worth it.
